A State of Denial
Chapter Two: A Fickled Heart
Disc: Not mine. No need to sue.
—
Natsume’s footsteps hesitated when he thought he heard a yell that sounded suspiciously like Ruka’s but shrugged it off and continued his journey.
He scowled at the group of people that immediately parted and fell silent on his arrival.
I am not worried. I’m not. Seriously. I just don’t want to be saddle with a sick partner. If she gets worse, I know I’ll end up shouldering the blame.
He grimaced when people looked at him questioningly, probably wondering why the hell he was there. He certainly did.
This is all her fault. Why the hell did she have to stay up all night anyway? He demanded silently as he stalked the halls that led to her room. Does she not trust me to come back safely? Haven’t she figure it out already that it will take more than my missions to take me down?
Unlike him, all she required to do is to stay in school and make friends but she can’t even do that right? Instead she’d gotten herself sick…and he knows, he is positive that everyone will think that it is entirely his fault.
She is so much trouble.
If she was sick, she should’ve just missed class, no wonder she wasn’t as loud and obnoxious as she usually was this morning.
Not that he was watching her or anything. After all, her seat is in front of his so he can’t help but look at her from time to time. Not that she was worth looking at, she’s not the prettiest girl around and she’s certainly not the smartest. Her personality is annoying and Kami, her voice makes my ear bleed.
So what if he’d taken to play with the curling ends of her trademark ponytail? It’s always there, in front of him. Every time a wind blows, it slaps him in the face so he has no choice but to hold it in place. She hasn’t said anything against it and why the hell should she? She should be glad that I don’t burn it each time it whips me on they face.
So what if her eyes and smile were chosen as the ‘brightest eyes and ‘the sweetest smile’ in their class in the school paper?
Natsume hitched the paper bag in his hand and winced when he heard the clink of glass. He stopped then turned around as embarrassment and pride won over guilt and responsibility but his feet refused to move. He let out a frustrated breath that had two students silently backing away and hightailing out of there when Natsume kicked a wall. Hard.
Cursing as pain shot from his toes up his thigh, he leaned back against a wall and questioned his sanity. A sneer appeared on his face when he saw the picture in front of him, there, at a billboard on the wall across from him was a picture of Mikan as The March Hare and Andou as The Mad Hatter, in an article about their newest RPG at the last festival. She was in his arms, her head on his shoulder looking comfortable and pleased to be there. Both were grinning widely at the camera.
“Che.”
Without even having to move a muscle the paper burned to a crisp by the force of his stare alone. He straightened from the wall and without realizing it, his earlier decision was forgotten and he determinedly walked towards Mikan’s room.
It’s not like I’m jealous or anything. It’s just not right for her to be hanging around Andou like that. That stupid guy is eighteen now, can’t he find a good girl his own age and stop pawing the baka?
Besides, why does he treat her like that? Letting her sit on his lap, ride on his shoulders, crawl up into his arms.
Doesn’t anyone else see that it’s wrong?
Damn lolita lover.
Natsume is sure that if keeps spoiling her like that, she’ll get incorrigible and out of hand. She already has most of the people in the school eating off the palm of her hand anyway.
Good thing I’m around to knock some sense into her.
Natsume’s scowl deepened when he arrived at her flower decorated door and was disturbed by the sudden urge to hit his head against it, but not a born masochistic, he pounded his fist on it instead. He sneered when the flowers trembled at the force of his knock and rearranged themselves to form insulting and rude words. Suddenly hit with the thought that these things might be Hotaru’s work, he eyed them suspiciously. Who knew what other counter measures the vicious girl added to those damn things?
He pounded on the door again, starting to get worried when she didn’t answer. The door next to hers opened and a guy stumbled out of it, disgruntled and ready to snap at whomever it was that dared to bother his sleep.
“Oy, Sakura. What the hell…“ The scathing words stopped in his throat as angry red ruby eyes glared back at him and the identity of the boy entered his sleepy mind but before he can grovel and ask for mercy, a sound interrupted Natsume’s glaring. “A minute.”
Even from behind the door, his ears started to heat up. Stupid baka with her stupid voice.He rolled his eyes when he heard a crash and an exclamation of pain, already forgetting the next door guy who was still standing there, blinking in the sunlight, watching curiously.
Natsume settled on glaring at the flowers which was spelling out ‘baka’, damn girl and her accident prone behavior. If she strained her ankle, he’ll be force to pick her up and walk her back from school.
He stuck his free hand in his pocket. Damn nuisance.
Natsume stamped hard on his surprise when she opened her door wide wearing only a white baby doll pretty confection of lace that left her shoulders bare with short puffy sleeves and a hemline that barely reached her knees. She blinked at him, then as her mind slowly processed who it was, she brightened. “Natsume-kun, are you here to visit me?”
Because he found himself fighting the urge to smile as she beamed at him, he scowled darkly at her. “Didn’t anyone teach you to ask who it was before opening the door?”
She didn’t look regretful at all, she merely smiled impishly. “I know it was you from the pounding.”
“At the very least you shouldn’t answer the door only in your underwear.”
She pouted. “Mou, Natsume. This is not my underwear, this is a night gown. Although I don’t know if it’s right to call it a night gown since I’m not wearing it at night.” She mused. “Well, anyway, it’s a birthday gift from Hotaru.”
Natsume snorted. “Figures. Judging from your real underwear, your tastes don’t run on the elegant and sophisticated.”
Ignoring his comment about her underwear, she twirled to show off the night gown and his jaw nearly dropped when her long, long hair that she wore down flared in the air and revealed the nearly nonexistent backless state of the gown which only consists of several crisscrossing thin strips of white lace. Her smooth pale skin of her back played peek a boo with his eyes. “Do you really think it’s elegant and sophisticated?”
Avoiding the question, he glared at her. “At the very least, you should wear a robe.”
“I only have bathrobes, I don’t have pretty robes.” Then her sweet face turned sneaky and hopeful at the same time, a very fetching combination. “Maybe you can buy me one for Christmas.”
Actually, he already had a picture of one in his mind. Something soft and shiny, with strong colors and bold motives, it vexed him. He frowned. “Maybe.”
Her amber eyes widened in pleasure. “Really?”
He let a smile appeared on his face and she beamed back at him. Such a sweet, innocent…stupid girl. “No.” He smirked when she pouted and crossed her arms. He pointed at her door. “What’s up with this?”
She glanced at it, then laughed. “Sorry, Natsume-kun. I’ll stop it now.” She giggled while she pressed the flowers to their original places. Natsume should’ve moved back to give her more moving room but he stayed where he was, standing close to her that her hair and arms brush his chest, her sweet and fresh scent tantalizing. Because he felt his mind started to haze and his heart jumped, he gritted his teeth and stayed there, stubbornly, after all it was just his stupid hormones working overtime. It didn’t mean anything.
His eyes snapped to the side when she called a name and waved, “Miya-san. Konbanwa.”
Finally realizing that they have an audience and he noted the interested way her neighbor eyed her, he smiled viciously when the guy jerked his hand from his door knob, suddenly finding it hot to the touch.
Natsume pushed Mikan none to gently inside her room. ”Lie down you, baka. If you faint I’ll just leave you on the floor ‘cause I’m not carrying you. You’re heavy.”
“Mou, hidoi.” She pouted but did as she was told. It wasn’t the first time he entered her room since she has the habit of having what she called ‘gorging parties’, a party where she’ll take whatever was left in her fridge and mesh them together; some of time it’s edible, other times it was a handy weapon against rabid fans. It’s a bit like Fear Factor on speed.
He looked around and noted the little changes she made from when he’d been there last. A new calendar that was filled with little scribbles, a new alarm clock replacing the one she destroyed one particular morning, new sheets and matching curtains. Her promotion from single star to double star moved her to a bigger room but she used most of her space as a sitting area for hanging out with her friends; a wide white fluffy carpet on one of the corners with a coffee table shaped like a pumpkin on top of it, several small multicolored cushions stacked haphazardly along the walls; surprisingly feminine but not too girly. Clearly her friends have been helping her out, since Natsume knew, if left to her own devices, she’ll probably put one those freaky garden gnomes and pictures of clowns or something.
He stopped in his tracks when he saw the artwork above her bed. Mikan noticed his attention on it and sent him a sheepish smile. “It’s pretty. I like it.”
He felt his face starting to heat up and turned his head away. This is why he hates hanging out with her; she has this weird annoying ability to find something in him that he tried desperately to hide.
He thrust out the paper bag that he carried into her arms which she took and immediately started to shift through, giggling as though it was a treasure case.
His eyes shifted to the artwork; it was shaped like a butterfly made out of little pieces of red glass. He remembered it, remember where she found it. They were all hanging out, waiting for dinner when she found some cracked glass, probably excess material from the renovation of the main building, typically Mikan, she started to play around with it, taking the little pieces of red glass putting them all together in different shapes and words but she ended up with the butterfly.
He remembered the glow in her face as she suddenly turned towards him, holding a piece of glass in the direction of his face and then laughed. “I wondered why it was so familiar. Natsume-kun, look. It’s the same shade of red as your eyes.” She beamed at him. “Pretty.”
When several eyes including Ruka’s and Hotaru’s inched towards him, his embarrassment was complete and in an also typical fashion, Mikan yelped and ran crying to Hotaru when Natsume set fire to ‘her pretty Natsume butterfly’. Hotaru of course shot her with her baka gun and told her that glass doesn’t burn that easily and true enough when Mikan peeked at it, instead of melting into nothing, his fire only melded the little pieces of glass together, so he actually did her a favor. The delight in her eyes was actually quite painful to see as it reminded him that she had no business being friends with him. Especially, when she held his hand and thanked him with that big, bright, stupid smile of hers before showing it off and of course burnt her fingers in the process.
It actually is pretty, he admitted to himself. Light bounced off its angles, curves and edges reflecting different shades of red around the room. Pretty, she said. It was the first time that anyone ever said that about the color of his eyes.
“It’s half full.”
The smile in her voice distracted him and made him look to what she was holding in her hands and winced inwardly. It was a bottle filled with Konoko’s lavender and rosemary aromatherapy oil, one that she gave him once when he involuntarily mentioned about his nightmares.
It didn’t help him with his nightmares, but having the smell of it on his sheets and blankets made him sleep easier. It wasn’t a manly thing to do but as long as it helped, he’d try anything.
The fact was, it helped because it reminded him of her, because he smelt it on her and that calmed him. But he’ll sooner rot in hell than admit that out loud.
He scoffed. “Trust you not to say half empty.” Always an optimist.
Natsume thrusts his hands in his pocket again, embarrassed and pissed off because now she knows that he actually used it. “You told me to use it, so I did.”
Natsume watched her bit back a smile as he stood looming over her. “That’s good.”
“I want it back by the way.”
Now she did smile, slightly. “Okay.”
At fourteen, Natsume already looked like such a young man. His tall, agile and toned body still retained the lanky grace he had two years ago and he was indeed stronger; power wise and strength wise. Even upperclassmen did not refer to him as a brat anymore ‘cause he didn’t look the part, though Natsume suspected it wasn’t only because of his looks but because his experience and power gave his reputation more weight since he stayed on top of his dangerous ability class all these time. It shocked him when one day he realized that he wasn’t only feared anymore, he was actually respected. He didn’t expect it but he didn’t lose any sleep over it.
He didn’t need their respect.
They can shove it for all he cared.
He already has everything he ever wanted. Dependable friends who will fight for him, against him, beside him.
A sense of home and family.
He guessed people’s general opinion of him changed when a spy from Anti-Alice Organization managed to infiltrate the Academy. He was young in experience though he was years older than Natsume but well trained in both powers and martial arts. Fast on his feet with sharp instincts.
The spy was good. He was better.
Even some from his level treated him differently after that, it bugged him. Only the inner circle, the ones that actually stayed with him, watching his back while he was fighting the spy that still treated him the same.
Mikan though, something changed between them.
Though they still fought like crazy sometimes, they never again held a grudge against each other. They sneer and smirk at each other but all in all, Mikan always manages to convince him that she thinks of him as one of best friends and that she trusts him and strangely enough, he trusts her back. She stuck by him all these years through the good times, bad times and the worst times. Even when he was being the ultimate bastard that even he flinches when he think back on how he treated her. But instead of turning her back on him and left him, surrounded by his very own demons, she understood, she accepted, she comforted and she forgave. She ached for him like it was her very own pain and cried the tears she knew he couldn’t afford to cry. She left him no other choice but to surrender.
Persona was right. She weakened him but she also made him stronger in other ways, in other ways that actually mattered.
“Natsume-kun?” She asked, her brow wrinkled and realized that he was staring.
“You’re voice annoyed me, so I tuned it out.” Before he turned towards the fridge, he caught the amused smile on her face. He scowled at the inside of the fridge. That had also changed. Usually, even a year ago, she would’ve smacked him with one of Hotaru’s invention or at least tried to, but now, every bad thing he says just amuses her. It annoyed him to no end, though he always found new ways to annoy her. At the very least, his comments about her panties still rankled, even though how much she tried to hide it, even though how much she tried to school her face, he knew that it still hit deep whenever it was about her panties. He saved them for special occasions now, just to see her temper rise up to a dangerous level, watch how she kept it in check while trying very hard to smile. He liked seeing the ire that bloomed in her amber eyes and pinked her cheeks.
Natsume caught his reflection and found himself smirking just thinking about it. “You do know that you only have crap in here, right?”
“It’s called food, Natsume-kun.” He knew she was rolling her eyes just by the tone of her voice.
“It’s crap. Chocolates, jelly beans, candies. Man, it’s a surprise you haven’t grown fat.”Although he was kneeling in front of her mini fridge, his back to her, he knew that she was looking at him, and as weird as it sound, he sensed that she was smiling. “Natsume-kun?”
“What?” He snapped and knowing that she was waiting for him to turn and look at her, he intentionally took his sweet time though eventually he gave in. He always felt the need to fight his instincts and his heart when it comes to the baka youjo. “What?” He said in a softer tone.
“Thank you.”
There it was, that stupid sweet, caring smile that he hated and yearned for at the same time. She always seems to know the exact words to say, always know the right thing to do. She always know how to touch him, how to comfort him, how to get through his defenses. He hated her for it but can’t seem to get enough of it.
He frowned when she held her head then lay back slowly, hugging the brown paper bag to her body, he stood by her bed. “Have you eaten?”
“Yeah.”
He crossed his arms. “Have you taken anything?”
“Um. Yeah.”
He merely stared at her and she grimaced. “Um. No.”
“Did you go to a doctor?”
“Yeaa..” He narrowed his eyes, “..no.”
“So, what were you going to do? Sleep it off?”
Mikan did what she always did when he used his familiar ‘what? Are you stupid?’ tone. She pouted.
He sighed deeply then grabbed the brown bag in her arms, swearing softly under his voice, muttering curses on stupid little girls then fished out some tablets and a bottle of water then push it onto her hands. “Drink.”
She pursed her lips, her expression mutinous.
When he narrowed his eyes threateningly, she merely pressed her lips together.
“Youjo, I’m warning you. We can do this the hard way or the easy way.”
She folded her arms which actually made her look stupid since she was still lying on her back while he was standing and glowering down at her.
“Fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” With a move that was as fast as it was sneaky, his fingers pinched her nose, hard. “Let’s just see how long you can hold your breath.” Her dark brows snapped together and her face started to turn red after a few seconds. Natsume glanced at his watch, counting the seconds.
When she finally couldn’t take it anymore and gasped out a breath, he quickly shoved the tablets in and poured water into her mouth.
He smirked at the indignant look on her face and the garbling sounds that she made. “Drink or drown, youjo.”
He knew the stare she was giving him with her cheeks expanded with its contents, her arms crossed on her chest was her way of saying, ‘I’ll swallow when I damn want to, you jerk’. She looked like a pissed off squirell.
He took a cooling pad, tore the plastic cover and slapped it on her forehead, resulting in her nearly choking to death.
She coughed and gasped. “What was that for?”
He quirked an eyebrow. “I told you to swallow.”
“Gee, thanks, Florence Nightingale.”
He shrugged, his hands back into his pockets.
“Instead of glaring down on me, you can sit down.”
He eyed her, eyed the bed then quirked an eyebrow. “You offering something, polka dots?”
The blush that filled her face was ugly and dark. “Right, I forgot. You are so hot that it’s every girls mission in life to be your girl.” She glared at him, saw the speculative look in his eyes. “Oh, forget it. Stand there as long as you like, see if I care.”
He frowned when she turned her back on him. “Why suddenly so sensitive, strawberries?”
“Shut up. I’m not talking to you.”
Interested and curious with her reaction, he hitched his pants and sat on the edge of her bed, one of his feet tucked under him. The bed moved under his weight and she turned her head. “What’re you doing?”
“I’m taking you up your offer.”
“I said I wasn’t offering you anything.”
“You offered me a seat. I’m taking it.”
“Trust you to be annoying.”
“Trust you to be indecisive.”
She sniffed and returned to her earlier position. When she stayed like that and he heard her sniffle, he knew something was up and perked up his ears when she mumbled something under her breath. “Why do you have to be so nice?”
Since he was thinking that he was being a jerk, it caught him off guard. “You think I’m being nice?”
She sniffled again. “Excuse me, I was talking to myself.”
Not bothering to argue that odd point and he was starting to realize something must be really wrong to upset her like this…not that he cared…it’s just that bad things tend to happen all at once around upset little girls especially when that little girl’s name is Sakura Mikan.
Natsume poked the back of her head. “Oy, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. You should just go. It wouldn’t look good if you stay too long at my place.”
“Since when do you care about what other people think?”
“I don’t.”
“Then why are you mad at me?”
“I’m not.”
“Then why aren’t you looking at me?”
She scoffed but the sound was a little watery. “Contrary to what you and your fan girls think, your face isn’t all that..”
Natsume tsk-ed. “Oh, don’t give me that crap. What is up with you?”
“Nothing, just leave it alone.” She burrowed herself deeper in her blanket and he tugged at it.
“It’s funny how people don’t take a hint and keep pestering, huh?”
“If you’re my friend..”
“Which I’m not.”
He watched her shoulders stiffened then hunched over. “Fine. Then get out.”
He crawled closer to her and peered at her face.
“Don’t look at me. Go away.”
He smirked. “You never listen to me when I say that so, why should I?” He took her arm and pulled, she resisted but he didn’t let go of her arm. He can be persistent, too. “What’s wrong, baka?”
She sniffed and swiped at her tears. “It’s nothing.”
He sat cross-legged on the bed, settled his knees on his thighs. “I’m only going to nag at you until you talk so you might as well give up. Consider it payback for all those times you’ve been a pain in my ass.” He blinked when her lips trembled and she started sobbing. “You’re mad at me.”
Baffled, he snapped at her. “What?”
Eyes watering, she sobbed again. “You’re mad at me. I know you are.”
“Why should I be mad at you?”
Big fat tears tumbled down one after another, her lips trembled. “Because, because I came here voluntarily while they had to force you.”
Totally at lost, Natsume scratched his head. “What are you talking about?”
She sat up, her hair tumbling over her face. “You are, aren’t you? You hate me.”
Natsume started to feel a slight headache coming on and rubbed his temple. “Youjo, what brought this on? Why are you suddenly talking about this now?” Somehow he suddenly had a strong suspicion that somebody put this thought into her head. “Did somebody talked to you? Is that it?”
“So, you do hate me. Admit it or I’ll never talk to you again.”
He couldn’t help himself, he had to say it. “That’s actually a tempting offer..”
Incensed that he wasn’t taking her seriously, she started to push him off the bed and hit him with a pillow. “Ouch. Youjo, what’s your problem? Quit it! Youjo, stop!”
They struggled a bit until Natsume finally managed to get a hold of her arms. Confused, annoyed and out of breath, Natsume glared at her. “What is the matter with you?”
He knew her well enough that although she’s a cry baby and will cry at the most stupidest of things, female hysterics was beyond her. So, it stands to reason when he gaped at her when she suddenly broke down and bawled.
“I’m sorry, Natsume-kun for being such a bother to you. I’m sorry that I came here voluntarily. I’m sorry that I always annoy and nag and get you in trouble with the principles and Persona. I’m sorry that you have to keep and eye on me and train me when you are already busy with your missions where you get wounded…and you’re going to dieeeeeee…..”
He winced. “Shit, youjo. Shut up already. They’ll think I’m beating you up or something.”
“I’m sorryyyyyy….”
He grimaced when her sobs reached glass breaking notes. Not up to a round against Hotaru’s baka gun and not knowing how to stop her besides she just looked so heartbreakingly sad, he held her nape and pull her head to his chest. His heart stuttered when she reached around his waist and hugged him tightly.
He can feel her sobbing against his chest, her fingers clenching on his shirt, her tears moist and hot on his skin. She smelled sweet and soft and warm from her sleep.
He kept his arms at his side but he gave in to the urge to rub his cheeks on the top of her head and breathed her in.
Comforted by the fact that he wouldn’t have let her touch him if he was mad at her, her tears stopped and when she felt her hair stir from his breath and the warmth of his cheek on her head, she tilted her head up; eyes vulnerable, lips parted.
Natsume’s breath caught, suddenly realizing the situation they were in. He looked into her amber eyes, soft with tears and cursed loudly in his head.
Trying to hide the effect of her proximity on him, he instantly grabbed her head and unceremoniously pushed her down onto her pillow.
“Itaaai. What was that for??”
He turned his back on her and scooted back towards the edge, his feet touching the floor. “You said wanted to sleep. So sleep.”
She glared at his back but it didn’t last long. Maybe it was because of the medicine, maybe she was just sleepy, and maybe it was because she felt safe with Natsume, sitting by her side. She stifled a yawn and once again burrowed deeply under the blanket. “Natsume-kun.”
She heard him grunt which she took as a sign that he was listening. “Will you stay with me for a while?”
“I’m busy.” Natsume winced as soon as the sharp rejection passed his lips. When she didn’t reply with her usual ‘Natsume, you meanie’ or stuffs like that. He thought she was a sleep but he froze when he felt something warm on his hand. A glance let him know that Mikan had wrapped her fingers around his pinky and ring finger, her small thin fingers in sharp contrast with his long, big, strong ones.
Looking at Mikan from the corner of his eyes, he saw her already asleep breathing deeply. Tentatively, he moved his fingers, sliding it against hers and was stupidly touched when her fingers tightened on his. His eyes shifting back towards her face where a small smile curved on her lips and he watched as she wiggled closer to him.
“You’re such a pest. I don’t know why I put up at you.” He brought a hand to tuck a stray hair behind her ear, his forefinger gently running over the curve of her jaw.
He’s not in love with her. He’s not.
So, okay, maybe him being here, doing these things is strangely uncharacteristically of him but, you know, she’s been known to take care of him once or twice and Natsume Hyuuga always repay his debts.
And if his heart turned to goo when she snuggled closer to him, it was just because, well, she kind of grew on him, it was like that feeling between a pet and its master. Of course he would feel responsible and it’s only natural that he feels a certain softness for her. It didn’t mean anything.
So what if instead of kicking her awake and going back to his room, he turned sideways and leaned against the headboard, stretching his legs on the bed? She was sick and contrary to what others think, he’s not totally heartless. He understands all about loneliness, about missing your family, about the fear of not knowing when everyone around you looked like they know more about you than yourself.
“This is only for tonight you know.” He fluffed the pillow behind his back. “Tomorrow we’re going to act as if nothing happened.” He whispered to the sleeping girl who sighed softly. “Not that anything did happen anyway.”
He is not in love with her. He’s not.
He doesn’t even like the annoying baka. When Mikan’s finger tightened against his, he automatically returned the gesture.
Natsume shut his eyes and knocked the back of his head gently on the wall. “Damn it.”
Maybe.. he cares for her, just a little bit. That’s all.
